hartmans | Entries tagged with introspection

This is copied over from my spiritual blog. I'm nervous doing that, especially at a point when I'm more vulnerable than usual in the Debian community. Still, this is who I am, and I want to be proud of that rather than hide it. And Debian and the free software community are about far more than just the programs we write. So hear goes:

The Libreplanet opening keynote had me in tears. It was a talk by Dr. Tarek Loubani. He described his work as an emergency physician in Gaza and how 3d printers and open hardware are helping save lives.

They didn't have enough stethoscopes; that was one of the critical needs. So, they imported a 3d printer, used that to print another 3d printer, and then began iterative designs of 3d-printable stethoscopes. By the time they were done, they had a device that performed as well or better than than a commercially available model. What was amazing is that the residents of Gaza could print their own; this didn't introduce dependencies on some external organization. Instead, open/free hardware was used to help give people a sense of dignity, control of some part of their lives, and the ability to better save those who depended on them.

Even more basic supplies were unavailable. The lack of tourniquets caused the death of some significant fraction of casualties in the 2014 war. The same solution—3d-printed tourniquets had an even more dramatic result.

Dr. Loubani talked about how he felt powerless to change the world around him. He talked about how he felt like an insignificant ant.

By this point I was feeling my own sense of hopelessness and insignificance. In the face of someone saving lives like that, I felt like I was only playing at changing the world. What is helping teach love and connection when we face that level of violence? Claming that sexual freedom is worth fighting for seems like a joke in the worst possible taste in the face of what he is doing. I felt like an imposter.

Then he went on to talk about how we are all ants, but it is the combination of all our insignificant actions that eventually change the world. He talked about how the violence he sees is an intimate act: he talked about the connection between a sniper and their victim. We die one at a time; we can work to make things better one at a time.

He never othered or judged those committing violence. Not as he talked about his fellow doctor and friend who was shot, radioed that he could not breathe, and eventually died pinned down by gunfire so that no one could rescue him. Not as he talked about how he himself was shot. Not as he helped the audience connect with grief-stricken family members facing the death of their loved ones. He never withdrew compassion.

To me I heard hope that what I try to teach can matter; it can connect. If he can face that violence and take a stand against it while still maintaining compassion, then this stuff I believe actually can work. Facing the world and making real changes without giving up compassion and empathy seems more possible: I’ve seen it done.

Somewhere in this talk, I regained a connection with my own value. People like him are helping save people. However, the violence will continue until we have the love, empathy and compassion to understand and connect with each other and find better options. In my own way I’m doing that. Every time I help someone see a different way of looking at things, I make it easier for them to start with empathy first rather than fear.

Everything I’ve written about sex is still true. That journey can bring us closer to accepting ourselves, stepping past fear and shame. Once we accept our own desires and our own need, we’re in a better position to meet in the Strength of Love and advocate for our own needs while offering compassion to others. Once we know what we can find when we have empathy and connection, we can learn to strive for it.

So I will find joy in being my own little ant. Insignificant and divine: take your pick as it’s all the same in the end.

Bringing that Round to Debian

Debian is back in the center of my compassion work. I'm running for Debian project Leader (DPL). I served on the Debian Technical Committee for over a year, hoping to help bring understanding of diverse positions to our technical dispute resolution process. That ended up being the wrong place. Everyone seems to believe that the DPL is currently at the center of most of the work of helping people connect. I hope to fix that: more than one person should be driving that work.

After the keynote I found myself sitting between Micky Metts and Henry Poole. Micky asked me what I did that I loved. “Ah, she’s not expecting this answer,” I thought to myself as I talked about my spiritual work and how it overlaps with my Debian work. It turns out that she was delighted by the answer and we had a great time chatting about self empowerment. I’m looking forward to her keynote later today.

Then Henry asked how I was going to accomplish bringing empathy into Debian. I talked about my hopes and dreams and went through some of the specifics I’ve discussed in my platform and what I’ve had success with so far. He talked about similarities and overlaps with work his company does and how he works to teach people about free software.

Especially after that keynote it was joyful to sit between two luminaries and be able to share hopes for empathy, compassion and connection. I felt like I had found validation and energy again.

Debianhas always been filled with people who want to make the world a better place. We consider the social implications of our actions. Many are involved in work that focuses on changing the world. I’ been hesitant to think too closely about how that applies to me: I fear being powerless to bring about the world in which I would like to live.

Recently though, I've been taking the time to dream. One day my wife came home and told another story of how she’d helped a client reduce their pain and regain mobility. I was envious. Every day she advances her calling and brings happiness into the world, typically by reducing physical suffering. What would it be like for me to find a job where I helped advance my calling and create a world where love could be more celebrated. That seems such a far cry from writing code and working on software design every day. But if I don’t articulate what I want, I'll never find it.

I’ve been working to start this journey by acknowledging the ways in which I already bring love into the world. One of the most important lessons of Venus’s path is that to bring love into the world, you have to start by leading a life of love. At work I do this by being part of a strong team. We’re there helping each other grow, whether it is people trying entirely new jobs or struggling to challenge each other and do the best work we can. We have each other’s back when things outside of work mean we're not at our best. We pitch in together when the big deadlines approach.

I do not shove my personal life or my love and spirituality work in people’s faces, but I do not hide it. I'm there as a symbol and reminder that different is OK. Because I am open people have turned to me in some unusual situations and I have been able to invite compassion and connection into how people thought about challenges they faced.

This is the most basic—most critical love work. In doing this I’m already succeeding at bringing love into the world. Sometimes it is hard to believe that. Recently I have been daring to dream of a job in which the technology I created also helped bring love into the world.

I'd love to find a company that's approaching the world in a love-positive, sex-positive manner. And of course they need to have IT challenges big enough to hire someone who is world class at networking, security and cloud architecture. While I'd be willing to take a pay cut for the right job, I'd still need to be making a US senior engineer's salary.

Actually saying that is really hard. I feel vulnerable because I’m being honest about what I want. Also, it feels like I’m asking for the impossible.

Yet, the day after I started talking about this on Facebook, OkCupid posted a job for a senior engineer. That particular job would require moving to New York, something I want to avoid. Still, it was reassuring as a reminder that asking for what you want is the first step.

I doubt that will be the only such job. It's reasonable to assume that as we embrace new technologies like blockchains and continue to appreciate what the evolving web platform standards have to offer, there will be new opportunities. Yes, a lot of the adult-focused industries are filled with corruption and companies that use those who they touch. However, there's also room for approaching intimacy in a way that celebrates desire, connection, and all the facets of love.

And yes, I do think sexuality and desire are an important part of how I’d like to promote love. With platforms like Facebook, Amazon and Google, it's easier than ever for people to express themselves, to connect, and if they are willing to give up privacy, to try and reach out and create. Yet all of these platforms have increasingly restrictive rules about adult content. Sometimes it’s not even intentional censorship. My first post about this topic on Facebook was marked as spam probably because some friends suggested some businesses that I might want to look at. Those businesses were adult-focused and apparently even positive discussion of such businesses is now enough to trigger a presumption of spam.

If we aren't careful, we're going to push sex further out of our view and add to an ever-higher wall of shame and fear. Those who wish to abuse and hurt will find their spaces, but if we aren't careful to create spaces where sex can be celebrated alongside love, those seedier corners of the Internet will be all that explores sexuality. Because I'm willing to face the challenge of exploring sexuality in a positive, open way, I think I should: few enough people are.

I have no idea what this sort of work might look like. Perhaps someone will take on the real challenge of creating content platforms that are more decentralized and that let people choose how they want content filtered. Perhaps technology can be used to improve the safety of sex workers or eventually to fight shame associated with sex work. Several people have pointed out the value of cloud platforms in allowing people to host whatever service they would choose. Right now I’m at the stage of asking for what I want. I know I will learn from the exploration and grow stronger by understanding what is possible. And if it turns out that filling my every day life with love is the answer I get, then I’ll take joy in that. Another one of the important Venus lessons is celebrating desires even when they cannot be achieved.

From my spiritual blog

I have been quiet lately. My life has been filled with gentle happiness, work, and less gentle wedding planning. How do you write about quiet happiness without sounding like the least contemplative aspects of Facebook? How do I share this part of the journey in a way that others can learn from? I was offering thanks the other day and was reminded of one of my early experiences at Fires of Venus. Someone was talking about how they were there working to do the spiritual work they needed in order to achieve their dream of opening a restaurant. I'll admit that when I thought of going to a multi-day retreat focused on spiritual connection to love, opening a restaurant had not been at the forefront of my mind. And yet, this was their dream, and surely dreams are the stuff of love. As they continued, they talked about finding self love deep enough to have the confidence to believe in dreams.

As I recalled this experience, I offered thanks for all the tools I've found to use as a lover. Every time I approach something with joy and awe, I gain new insight into the beauty of the world around us. In my work within the IETF I saw the beauty of the digital world we're working to create. Standing on sacred land, I can find the joy and love of nature and the moment.

I can share the joy I find and offer it to others. I've been mentoring someone at work. They're at a point where they're appreciating some of the great mysteries of computing like “Reflections on Trusting Trust” or two's compliment arithmetic. I’ve had the pleasure of watching their moments of discovery and also helping them understand the complex history in how we’ve built the digital world we have. Each moment of delight reinforces the idea that we live in a world where we expect to find this beauty and connect with it. Each experience reinforces the idea that we live in a world filled with things to love.

And so, I’ve turned even my experiences as a programmer into tools for teaching love and joy. I’ve been learning another new tool lately. I’ve been putting together the dance mix for my wedding. Between that and a project last year, I’ve learned a lot about music. I will never be a professional DJ or song producer. However, I have always found joy in music and dance, and I absolutely can be good enough to share that with my friends. I can be good enough to let music and rhythm be tools I use to tell stories and share joy. In learning skills and improving my ability with music, I better appreciate the music I hear.

The same is true with writing: both my work here and my fiction. I’m busy enough with other things that I am unlikely to even attempt writing as my livelihood. Even so, I have more tools for sharing the love I find and helping people find the love and joy in their world.

These are all just tools. Words and song won’t suddenly bring us all together any more than physical affection and our bodies. However, words, song, and the joy we find in each other and in the world we build can help us find connection and empathy. We can learn to see the love that is there between us. All these tools can help us be vulnerable and open together. And that—the changes we work within ourselves using these tools—can bring us to a path of love. And so how do I write about happiness? I give thanks for the things it allows me to explore. I find value in growing and trying new things. In my best moments, each seems a lens through which I can grow as a lover as I walk Venus’s path.

Recently, I wrote a narrative describing a healing ritual I went through; if you read my spirituality blog you've already seen it. However this is a really deep and as far as I can tell accurate look into my soul, and for those who are interested I thought I'd share. I walk through a slice of how I interact with myself, my gods, my community and tribe. The narrative is titled Singing of the Chalice and the Lash. It's rated R for nudity and BDSM (although very little sexual content). I also wrote about the experience of writing and publishing such a narrative. There's a lot of vulnerability and a lot of hope. The blog entry is more-or-less PG13, although it does contain links to NC17 content (all textual). If you're curious who I've become lately, these are great glimpses.

https://venus-ardens.org/blogpost50-Healing-Across-the-Gulf-of-Disagreement

In the United States, there are a lot of people who are going to be unhappy come next November, no matter who we choose as our next president. In a campaign where both Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders can gain significant support, it's clear that the US has divided needs. Yet come January 2017, we're all still going to be living on the same ball of dirt, and we'll have to work together.

My facebook is filled with pleas for compassion like this article

. I support showing compassion to refugees and Muslims, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. Other people are saying that, some of them better than I could.

I need to show compassion to myself and to those who hold different positions--even very different positions. I hope you'll consider what I'm saying and come to a similar decision for yourself. Extending compassion and empathy, searching for connection, is a choice. It's a choice to be open and to some extent vulnerable. I understand that it can be frightening to be that open and sometimes it is the wrong choice. For example I'm not going to choose to connect with someone who denies my humanity because of my religion, because I'm bisexual, or because of my sexual openness.

However, there are a lot of folks out there who have strongly held beliefs different than mine. If I am unable to connect to any of those people, the cost is going to be really high. As I'll explain in a short while, my personal cost is far higher than I'd be willing to pay. I suspect that if you consider your own cost, you will probably come to a similar realization.

Compassion is not Agreement

Some of the issues involved are not issues where I'm open to persuasion. I am not interested in debating the morality of my life. I'm sure that I'm a poly pagan, I'm proud of who I am, and I'm not looking to change that. I've heard friends talk about how they are not interested in being persuaded that people of their religion or background should be forced to register. They are not open to deciding it's a good idea that they or people like them be excluded from the United States. Many of my friends have strongly held beliefs about the role of the US as a melting pot, as a multicultural refuge.

I need not put those beliefs or opinions on the table to reach out with empathy. In fact empathy and compassion are not at all the same thing as trying to persuade someone to change.

When I empathize I'm looking to understand someone without judgment. I want to understand their feelings, needs and desires. I want to create a space where they can share them without feeling they (or what they share) will be rejected. In accepting what they offer I'm saying "I value what you've shared of yourself. I've taken the time to listen, and to accept it as who you are." No where have I agreed, accepted that is the "right way to be," "good people should think that way," or any such.

Close to Home

for me I began to realize that the challenge of empathy would be close to my heart one evening at my parents. My dad was eagerly listening to Fox News decry the dangers of Radical Islam. My dad began to discuss his concerns about the deterioration of the US, about how we couldn't trust the government, the danger of Sharia Law in the US, and concerns about ISIS.

my dad was quite worried and frustrated when he thought that the government couldn't be trusted to follow the law. On the same trip, my mom (and to a lesser extent dad) talked about taxes, deterioration of education, and how we are creating a society where government money is spent in a manner that doesn't actually help people and that fails to respect either the needs of the beneficiaries of government programs or the tax payers. My mom is worried that we are removing the incentives to challenge ourselves and be our best.

My parents and I have had a rough ride as we try to connect with each other. Sometimes I've found myself struggling to find a way to connect with my parents that had sufficient value to be worth the cost. I've chosen a life very different from them and have been unapologetic about who I am and have insisted on a high degree of acceptance in those I'm close to.

However each time we've examined our connection, we've found that the love we share is worth it. We turn to each other in times of need and joy. Fortunately political disagreement has always been a big factor in our family. Throughout much of my life, my parents have canceled each other's votes, my dad being more conservative than my mom. She's drifted right since I went to college. However there was no way that I was going to let politics get in the way of love: the issues that have challenged us have been about life choices and self determination.

Yet I felt fear and anger when I heard some of my parents' positions. People I know and care about very deeply have been unable to get adequate health care because their states follow my parents' beliefs. I'm not talking about people who choose not to work. One person I'm thinking of works far harder than I do laboring to make their family, spiritual community and world the best it can be. Other stories are similar. I care about my friends; I don't want to see them hurt. Multiple times I've faced the question of what would I do if someone I dated were hurt and needed medical care they could not afford. In one case, in all truth, I wish they had gotten a job. In other cases, choices like being a student or focusing on art were ones I supported.

Yet rather than hiding behind this anger, I talked to my parents. I heard their fear and frustration. They spent their life working, building savings. My mom spent her life volunteering and working to help the education system and on numerous advocacy activities; she wanted to see others have the same chance I had. She put her soul into that. She believes that work is being eroded. My parents have been disadvantaged because they dislike debt. They feel strong emotions when they think about the loss of control. I suspect that they think that even if their efforts in the larger world didn't work out, they should retain control over their own lives. They see policies including healthcare policy, tax policy, and the like as threatening both where they are now as well as what they put their effort into. They are frustrated with how these policies are implemented.

I can connect with that. I think my parents sometimes (and hopefully will more often) feel understood by me. I also think they can understand the fear and frustration I face when I see policies that deny those I care about medical care. I think they can understand why I care about GLBT rights and sexual freedom even though those issues are lower priority for them. I think they can understand my fear of spending the rest of my life with a Supreme Court that I do not respect.

I've been able to reach out and share other fears about the world. I recall one call when I talked to my mother about the secret Chicago detainment center

. I expressed my fear about the world I found myself living in. At first it was hard for my mom to connect, but as she read the article and listened, she was able to hear and understand me. Being able to connect with someone who had very different beliefs but yet share this fear helped. If we could connect, perhaps there's some chance that enough people can connect globally to make a difference.

We're probably not going to convince each other. We don't generally try. We often don't agree. But we can listen and care.

The Value of Compassion

does that sort of connection provide value outside of a family relationship? For myself, I've concluded it does. First it makes it possible to work together when goals align. I can join Christian spiritualists in talking about the value of love, in exploring overlapping approaches to helping people reach their spiritual potential even though we have some important disagreements. I can maintain good professional relationships even when people choose to be open.

In addition, being understood tends to deescalate situations. I feel less of a need to defend myself or take radical action when I am understood. When I can connect with myself and others and step past my fear, options become possible that would not be possible otherwise. Sometimes this opens up opportunities for compromise.

The potential for compromise is not emasculation. I'm never going to give up on valuing civil liberty, my need to choose my own spiritual path, or my needs as a lover because i manage to face my fears. When I connect with myself and those around me I'm actually in a better position to see if a compromise is healthy or undermines needs that I would not choose to give up.

Even when compromise is not possible, connection helps us see each other as human and worthy of respect. We may be able to believe in the overall system understanding what needs are met even when some of ours are not.

Understanding in Return

Generally when I offer connection and empathy, I expect the same in return. I'm willing to listen openly in exchange for being heard. Without that I feel vulnerable and disconnected. Having confidence that the connection can go two-ways is often one of the biggest limitations for when I'll be able to be open. Sometimes I'll take a risk in listening for a while and once there is an initial connection asking to be heard. There are some cases where I think there's value even if I can't be heard.

Each of us will come to our own decision about when it's safe and desirable to be open. There are a lot of reasons for deciding not to be open. However I'm hoping that you'll take some time to think about the value in being open even in situations where ideas are very different. I'm hoping that you'll consider the costs of being open and closed, eventually coming to your own conclusion about when you choose to be open.

What a year! Finding words to describe 2015 is hard. There's been so much change, growth and happiness.

I founded a spiritual group and joined the Debian technical committee. I've written 30 blog articles and a number of other important essays. I started writing fiction; I'm particularly proud that since July I've managed to find time to write 50,000 words of fiction with everything else going on in my life. Much of that is released, although a fair bit is still in progress.

Work and family goes well. My daughter is wonderful and I am blessed to have her in my life.

However, some of the greatest joy is much harder to quantify. I've grown as a priest, lover and person. I have increased confidence with myself. I've fought through tremendous fear and shame; I'm more comfortable than ever before with who I am. That comfort allows me to be open and to help others as they fight through fear and shame and walk their own path of growth. I've watched and grown with the people who are in my life. I've become convinced that I can make differences in the world that I care about. I wrote about a few examples. However, as I've become more aware of how love can ripple out into the world, I find it easier to see how little changes can matter in big ways.

I look forward with joy, fear and excitement to the future. It is great to choose to live in the best of all possible worlds.

Originally posted by

hartmans_venus at Your Silence will be Used Against you in the Court of Fear

https://venus-ardens.org/blogpost27-Your-Silence-will-be-Used-Against-you-in-the-Court-of-Fear

I mentioned the fear and sadness I feel when reading the news or thinking about some aspects of the broader world as well as my desire to find a way of applying my love-related work more broadly. Recently I had a surprising opportunity to see what I'm fighting and see how the sort of fear that leads to sharp disagreement and eventually hate is created. I'm delighted because I gained new insight into connecting with people and stopping fear in its tracks.

I had been talking with a close friend about sex and sacred service and she forwarded me a couple of articles that she wanted me to think about in the context of our conversation. She asked about my input. I've been somewhat afraid talking to her about that sort of sacred service. Her opinion matters to me, and she's been worried about the risks involved in that sort of work, especially work with someone I don't know well like that discussed in the last paragraph of the blog post. Certainly I see the risks too and some of them concern me greatly. So, while I see the joy and wonder in that work, it's also easy enough for me to connect with the fear and apprehension. I was also nervous because I didn't know what she was hoping for from our interaction.

That easily could have been the state in which I read the articles. Certainly when I read the articles, I did still connect with that part of myself. The first

talks about consent and the importance of talking during sex, making sure that your lover is OK with what's going on. I find myself frustrated reading this article because the article quotes a poem talking about abandoning yourself to the primal moment of the experience as a lover, going to a place beyond words. McEwan speaks against this quote arguing for the importance of words during sex. I've been to that place without words sometimes, and it can be wonderful and joyous; who is McEwan to tell me what I can and cannot enjoy during sex. Sure, I've also been places with lots of words, and while different, I find joy and wonder there. Also, why is my friend sharing this? Why is she afraid I will not respect the consent of my lovers, caring for their needs as we approach each other?

The second

article gives the reader permission to want to have and talk about sex, exploring the shame and discomfort we sometimes face approaching sexuality and discussions of our role as lovers. McEwan admits she's treading a fine line as she's hoping the reader will empower themselves, acknowledges the reader needs no permission, but wants to offer permission to those who find it helpful. I'm generally comfortable enough with my sexuality that I don't need permission and I don't have context with McEwan. The article focuses on sex as something that happens between two lovers. I disconnect from the article. It excludes masturbation, polyamory and group sex from the discussion. McEwan acknowledges she's taking a narrow focus, for example noting that there are things to be said about masturbation but in the interest of having a focused article, she's not exploring them. However, because the article approaches things from the standpoint of granting permission and specifically excludes many aspects of sexuality I care about from areas where permission is granted, I feel judged. I'm puzzled why I even grant the author the power to make me feel judged. On reflection, I came to the article afraid of what message my friend was trying to send and frustrated by the first article. I am not surprised to feel vulnerable.

I'm also nervous about what my friend is hoping for from a reaction. No, this sort of judging people and telling them what they can do is not what I'm hoping sacred service is about. Even more so than with other work, my point is to help empower people to explore their own needs.

How it Really Went Down

While I could connect with these feelings while reading the articles, because of an accident I had a much more positive experience. I was busy and didn't get around to reading the articles before my friend and I had a long conversation. She was excited about the articles and eagerly shared some of her thoughts. She talked about how valuable this sort of advice would have been when she was first starting to explore herself as lover. It seems basic now, but she felt emphasizing the importance of discussion before, during and after sex in establishing comfort and consent was very valuable. She found the second article interesting because it emphasized that it was OK to talk about sex and to have different needs.

So, I approached the articles with a much more open mind. I do still hear judgment against lovers agreeing to go to a place without words. However, I realize that I may be drawing a different emphasis, and I'm reminded that it's fine to disagree from time to time. I agree though that encouraging people to be open and to discuss enough to make sure that their needs are met is really important. I hope that as lovers, we choose to honor our boundaries and spend the necessary time to learn about boundaries and comfort of those we are with. And I agree with the second article that feeling comfortable talking about sex and being comfortable with our sexual desires are things I value highly.

And yes, my love work is very much about helping people feel comfortable with communication and with demanding that their boundaries be respected.

I agree with what the second article is trying to say, although I'd like to find a way to send that message that is more directly empowering. But hey, I can go try to do that. Perhaps some people will connect more with my version, perhaps others will connect more with the existing article. Let's be open in communicating about sexuality is an important enough message that we can find lots of different ways to say it.

Fighting Fear

However, I'm dancing around with joy when I think about this experience. I got to see how understanding my friend's intent and the feelings and desires behind that intent shaped my experience. Instead of connecting with my fear, disconnecting with the article, and focusing on minor disagreement, I was able to connect with my friend and see a small part of the world in a new way. I was able to see messages parallel to those I'm trying to send and to better connect with what those at the beginning of their journey as lovers might need to hear.

However, I also saw the harm that could be done in the form of fears reenforced and judgments assumed. I think many of the fears and possibly even much of the hate that I'd like to fight stem from this sort of lack of connection.

I'm also starting to see the tools I'll need for turning that kind of fear into empathy. I can choose to ask someone what their intent is. I can choose to try and connect with their feelings and make it about connecting with them not just connecting with myself.

At a more personal level, my friend and I have gained a new comfort in sharing things that are important. She said that she feels more comfortable sharing things that are important to her if she can help me see why that is. Disagreement is a possibility. Often, though, it hurts more to share something important and not have someone understand why you care than it does to find there is disagreement.

At some point over dinner, I realized that I would be entirely unsurprised if the person sitting across from me was assassinated by the US government in the next couple of years. I kept coming back to that and trying to grasp it, to feel it, to respond to the enormity and horror that my government would probably be quite happy if my dinner companion ended up dead.

I was at the IETF meeting in Berlin. Some subset of the security area had a guest presentation on privacy, talking about recent NSA spying. We focused on how to improve the security of the Internet against passive attack and what we as protocol engineers can do to improve privacy in our protocols. As an example, it seems like ephemeral keys generated with some key agreement such as ECDH are more clearly desirable than they've ever been before.

My last night in town, I had a long conversation and then dinner with one of the presenters. I don't think he's a terrorist; I'd be surprised if he were violent. He's certainly done things the US dislikes including working on software to promote Internet anonymity, supporting people using that sort of software for things like Wikileaks, and file suit against the US government when his privacy and liberty was threatened by the US. If there are crimes he's committed, they should be addressed in a court of law, not with murder and covert operations.

We talked a bit about his legal cases and about how he's been harassed by the US government. Mostly, though, we talked about peoples' reactions to recent revelations about spying and US activity. I talked about how at one level I'm not surprised to find that the US spies on people. At another level, though, knowing not just that people can observe the Internet, but that the whole thing is recorded on an ongoing basis changes how I evaluate risks. I knew that they could; now I know that I can count on passive attacks against everything I do. That changes how I feel; that changes how I approach risk. I talked about feelings of fear and powerlessness because I'm not able to meet my need for privacy in my thoughts and personal affects. Then we talked about forms of coersion that are employed to force people to spy on others or to take other actions demanded by the US government.

One of the most frightening things is that I realized for years, I've been under-estimating the impact. When I first read 1984 I thought about it as an artifact of past fears of totalitarianism. When I saw depictions of a government turning to torture in 90's science fiction, I viewed it as brutish and unrealistic. Even if someone were that evil, they'd never resort to such ineffective mechanisms. then we were confronted of pictures of our soldiers sexually assulting and torturing prisoners. That could never happen here in the US. It kept on. But even when I read Little Brother, I thought it was a bit over the top. It isn't though; I have high confidence that all that happens here, in the US, targeted at American citizens. Perhaps not yet at our kids. Sadly the responses proposed in the book would not be nearly as effective in real life. What will be next? What will I consider too unlikely to happen until I am confronted with it in my daily life?

Somewhere in the dinner, I realized that there are actions I can take--actions I must take to be true to myself. I can live with intent, working with my actions and thoughts and words to create the world in which I choose to live. For me that means I will not allow my conduct to be chilled by what I think possible. I will not bow to threats of greater scrutiny or bullying for being the person I choose to be, for thinking what I choose to think and for speaking my mind.

I don't think it's likely that I'll ever interact with the government or be the recipient of their special attention. I don't collect information on people. The software I write is good security software, but by its nature it's easier for the government to approach the operators of my software to collect information than to coerce me to include a back door. However, if I'm wrong on that and I receive a legal instrument, I'll comply. However I'll draw the line. I will not have my behavior coerced by threats to myself or threats to those I care about. I can do more to protect myself and people I care about by being the kind of person who it is pointless to threaten than I can by being pressured and hoping those pressuring me will play nice and not exert ever-increasing pressure. That said, I realize everyone can be broken both psychologically and physically and I'm no exception. Part of me still feels silly thinking this way: the government doesn't pressure law-abiding citizens; I have nothing to fear. Another part of me realizes that I've been so wrong about the scope of all this in the past and that I do know people for whom these decisions are not at all theoretical. I might as well be prepared.

Somewhere in all this, I came to the realization that it's not a huge step from what my dinner companion has already faced to violence and assassination. Later in the conversation he mentioned that he's received advice to become sufficiently famous for his murder to be unprofitable. Based on the source, I think the advice is delivered with reasonable knowledge of the US's practices and have no evidence the source tends to hyperbole. My dinner companion is someone that several people in the privacy community I know and value have spoken of with respect. Someone who works on software, someone works to try and change peoples' minds through persuasive argument and facts. Someone who for a few accidents and a slightly more conservative political outlook I could have been. having realized all this, I can no longer say I don't know; I'm unaware of what my government is doing. As an American, I must take on my share of responsibility for what's going on here.

to be clear, I am not radical; I believe in the rule of law and reasoned discourse. I'm not even proposing that I significantly change how I live my life. I simply believe I should be mindful of what is going on with privacy, and to help others form their opinions. Someday perhaps I'll have a pro-privacy anti-torture candidate to vote for. Wouldn't that be a desirable change!

I wrote this on the plane back to the US after IETF. It's several days later and I'm pondering posting it. My gut clenches; I'm afraid when I think about posting because I don't have confidence that I can speak my mind without fear of negative consequences. I've decided that I will post this. As someone who has chosen to live a life of intent and to promote love and connection, I want to act as if I live in the world in which I would choose to live. In that world I should say this.

I wrote to

diatom about something we were doing and said that even if we find that we don't fit together in each others' lives it made sense to go forward with this plan. She said that I was "brutal and hard-core." My reaction, that of

chardin and others I talked to was that yes, that's a fairly good description. Through a number of conversations that have followed I've managed to explore the more emotionally brutal side of myself, both the positive and negative. I'm incredibly delighted because I've been hoping to better understand these aspects of myself for a long time. Now, with the help of several friends, I have the words and concepts to do a much better job of understanding what's going on.

As Chuck put it, "As an engineer, I believe in the power of negative thinking." we identify risks, consider them, ask whether our idea still sounds good given these risks. Then we modify the idea, repeat finding the problems and fixes, until we're happy. And that's central to how engineering, protocol design, and computer security all work. Except of course in computer security you've got lots of people more clever than you coming up with extra bad ideas.

It's not surprising that I'd adopt a similar strategy for emotional issues. Probably at first I didn't even notice the difference. I guess it's more surprising how effective I've found the strategy. diatom pointed out that naming these negative things gives them power. There are a couple of ways I think that's true. The first is that if you're thinking about a possibility, it's more within the scope of things you could bring about. For example if you're thinking about what would happen if you leave a relationship, then it does make it more possible that you could leave the relationship. Secondly, there is a spiritual/mystical/magical aspect to names and power.

I find that by naming risks, by approaching them on my own terms, I can own them and control when i react to them. I can approach them while I'm still forming a plan and figure out how bad I'll feel if something negative happens. When I decide to go forward with a plan even though there are residual emotional risks, I can prepare for the possibility ahead of time. I'll know that this is something I chose as a possibility; something i accepted with full will and intent. That matters a lot. I was reminded last night exactly how much it helps to own your risks when something goes wrong.

Also, in my spiritual work, this sort of emotional examination is essential. I find myself asked to face challenges. There are significant benefits. However I need to understand how things can go badly because I need to know if I have the necessary emotional reserves. i need to know what to prepare for.

i think I approach negative language differently than a lot of people, particularly when there's a conditional. At the beginning of May I was at a Beltane fire. Someone stood forward, and asked people to consider all the pain offered to the fire, the deepest pain ever experienced by the participants. They asked us to ponder that and to realize that the strength of love is greater than that pain. Their timing was not ideal given some painful things that happened at that fire. I sat there pondering the strength of love and all the risks i had taken in the quest of love. It quickly became clear that's not how a lot of people took it. I've never heard a fire circle be that silent for that long before. Talking to participants, it was an intense and not particularly happy experience for them. I think a lot of people focus and are drawn to negative emotions rather than focusing on the context around them. That doesn't seem to be true for me, at least when they are invoked by reference rather than experienced unexpectedly.

However I've also been pondering how to get the affect I'm looking for more with my communication. Now that I have a better idea what I'm trying to accomplish I think there are a couple of approaches; both very NVC. The first is to show the positive side of what I'm feeling and emphasize that as the emotion. "I'm really excited when I think about this plan. Even when i consider the biggest potential down sides that I think are vaguely plausible, it still seems worthwhile." Then go on to request that the other person reassure that they are OK. "I'd like to share some of the down sides. would you think about how you'd feel if those down sides come to pass and confirm this still seems like a winner?" That is very much what's going on inside my head. However, that doesn't seem to be what I often communicate.

As I commented to one friend I was discussing with this, I need to pay more care for others feelings. I have a tendency to act something like the following. "Hey look at this! That was an emotional abyss; how did you feel when it was looking back at you?!" I need to acknowledge that I'm asking people to do something hard and to ask them rather than just subjecting them. I hope this will help me keep the aspect of brutality that feels very valuable and important while being compassionate.

I was talking to

diatom about feminism and safe spaces. The conversation branched out and wondered around a lot of corners, but I ended up realizing something about myself. I really prefer environments where a lot of different prospectives come together. For example I prefer parties that involve both geeks and non-geeks, where there's a diversity of opinions and viewpoints to those where things are fairly uniform. At points in my life where it's seemed like my friend group was fairly uniform in outlook or started to encourage uniformity, I have reached for new friends or otherwise changed my arrangements.

It goes a lot deeper than that. I've found this cropping up in relationship to the polyamory community, affecting what sort of spiritual work I do, and how I've approached MIT over the years.

I've come to believe the root of the issue may have to do with how I approach comfort. I totally understand there are people who seek similarity in order to find a space in which they can be comfortable being who they are. For myself, I'm going to be reasonably comfortable where-ever I am. I want my comfort to come from within, not from aspects of a space that I've chosen. I can learn from people who are different, so I do. I do tend to select for spaces that tolerate and encourage difference. For example I'd be very unlikely to go to an event that welcomed only blind people but much more welcome to an event that discussed issues related to blind people, welcoming anyone with an opinion on those issues. In fact I think the root of how I got started on this path does come from interactions with the blind community. My parents were very big on asking me to spend the effort to work on adapting the world to my needs and work on adapting myself to the world. They wanted me to be in a mainstream classroom in a public school rather than in classes with other blind people or going to the Texas School for the Blind. I found over time that I got to be fairly good at interacting with the world, particularly the world of technology. I tend to prefer regular computers and software to software specifically designed for blind use. I've been told a number of times by blind people that I'm unrealistic in what blind people can do with technology. The times I've asked organizations for help in the last 20 years have all resulted in me concluding that we think about problems differently, because I'm much more focused on adaptation within the rest of the world.

I'll share an example that shows how deep this runs for me. In our original conversation, diatom talked about a naked dance where in order to attend you needed to be naked. I had a strong negative reaction when I heard about this. It's not to the nudity; I will generally choose nudity in clothing optional spaces. It's more that in order to make people more comfortable, they will choose homogeneity; dancing naked in front of a bunch of naked people isn't as difficult as dancing naked in a mixed crowd. I totally respect people's right to have such a space. I even agree that as you're becoming comfortable with your body such a space can be incredibly useful. My dislike isn't strong enough that I would be unable to attend such an event. However, I'd rather be at an event that encouraged people to stretch their own boundaries and work to be comfortable from within.

Obviously this is not absolute. The IETF is more uniform than it should be, and I still attend. Even if the IETF fixes its diversity problem it will still be very much towards the geeky side of things. Also, while I prefer broad spiritual groups within the neo-pagan community, I do work within that community. It's all relative. I'm just pleased to have found an explanation for a number of behaviors and emotions within myself.

I'm in a cab back home from Logan airport after a vacation in Austin. It was a wonderful and much needed trip. I saw friends, especially a lot of

chardin and did absolutely no work the entire trip. I'm sorry if I missed anyone who wanted to get together; let me know and I will make sure to catch you on the next time through Austin.

It's been a while since I was last in Austin. Probably around mid 2011. I was telling some friends the story of my life since then. I got to the end and one of them said that there sure was a lot going on in my life. He hinted that perhaps there had been too much. I thought about it. There sure has been a lot going on over the past two years. I and painless Security have grown in a lot of interesting ways.

However, I would not choose to have less of an adventure. I'm sad when I think about this some, because I realize that it does drive some people away and make it harder for some people to get close to me. However, I'm also incredibly happy that I am being true to myself and that I am growing and learning as a person. Overall I enjoy the adventure that is my life and its uniquely me. Some of the things that haven't gone well have made me quite sad; I don't enjoy the loss or the bad things. I strive to learn from things that don't go well. However, I wouldn't have the things that have gone well without taking risks. So, yeah, it's been an intense ride, but not I think a reckless one. I'm happy to find I still have friends in Austin to share with and learn from. I feel very happy and content coming back from vacation; I hope I'm ready to face the upcoming challenges at work. Together I think the Painless Security team will soon be able to show some really amazing stuff.

Overall, 2012 was an awesome year. There was one great sadness: Margaret and I failed to repair our relationship and are no longer together. I've tried to maximize the good that has come from that, but it's still something I wish had turned out differently. I've tried to learn ways in which I could approach things differently in the future. I've also taken advantage of being able to grow in ways that I couldn't while Margaret and I were involved. It's natural and kind of a big part of what it means to commit to be with someone that you'll make compromises and that those compromises will limit where you go. However, if that commitment doesn't work out, it seems desirable to me to explore beyond those limits.

Zoe continues to be wonderful. I'm happy I have a kid and I'm very happy that she's still an important part in my life. She's grown a lot this year. She's also a lot more communicative (which is amazing given how talkative she was even a year ago). It's wonderful being able to be part of her life.

Work is great. We're growing and I'm a bit nervous because it's a lot of responsibility. However we have great clients and great projects and I'm very pleased with our prospects. I also really enjoy the team we have; Painless Security is well on the way to being the kind of place I hoped it would become when I started it. I greatly appreciate that it's no longer just me and that I can split the work both technical and business.

Spiritually, this year has been wonderful. I've cemented my relationship with my goddess. I continue to grow spiritually. This is another area where I'm nervous about what's ahead, but I'm also excited.

I feel I've reached a point of confidence and strength in who I am that is really helping me on some interpersonal levels. I'm much more comfortable asking for what I want even when it's something that doesn't work out. I'm less afraid of being alone and of a number of other uncertainties.

I'm looking forward to 2013. I'd like to continue to focus on my spiritual work and on building connections with those around me. Neither of these should be a surprise. I'd also like to focus on being more technically articulate and improving my skills at explaining complex technical ideas. I've been startled a number of times recently about how something I tried to express just didn't come out clearly to the people I talked to, even though I thought it was relatively clear when I expressed it. I also think I'd like to find ways to improve my people management skills. I only sort of have any reports, but it seems like I'm going to need better skills in that area as time goes on.

I wish everyone the best in 2013.

This has sort of been obvious for a while, but it really crystalised in the last couple of months. My happiness function is different than Margaret's and a lot of peoples'. She describes some sort of composite happiness: if things are generally going well, she's happy; if they are not, she is not.

I sort of have that. however, for me, it's much more like I'm happy when there's no reason to be unhappy. If anything is going badly then it puts a significant cap on my maximum happiness. If I can fix it, then I become happy. If I can convince myself I don't care, then I can become happy, although that takes a bit longer than if I can just fix things.

Obviously this is a rough sketch of what's going on. I actually spend most of my time generally happy, so it's not like my world must be perfect for me to enjoy it. Also, obviously some problems effect me more than others.

Margaret has suggested that I change to a more normal outlook on happiness. I'm not entirely sure that's possible although I've had success with similar scale self-reprogramming in the past, so it's believable that it might be. However, at the moment I'm not at all sure I'd want to change. The goal isn't just to be happy: I'm sure with the right drugs I'd be happy all or most of the time. For me at least the goal is to have the prospect and actuality of happiness as a forcing function. It gives me a reason to fix stuff, deal with things and not let them pile up. I really like that I have fairly strong incentives to fix my problems. It does sometimes create stress, for example when it's important for me to try and work on something so I can be happy, but when the same issue is good enough for someone else who would need to work with me.

I suspect I will continue to ponder and refine over the coming months.

I just got back from Free Spirit 2011. It's a pagan spiritual retreat in Maryland. I don't self-identify as pagan, although that may be similar to how Margaret didn't self-identify as poly for a long time. I had a really wonderful time. Since

shava23 and I stopped seeing each other I've been missing having some forum for conversation about spirituality. I also needed a vacation and a chance to really open up. It delivered on all counts. I'd really like to thank

tigira,

lindalee and of course

shava23 for discussions that got me in the right frame of mind to enjoy something like this. I'd also like to thank

mrw42 for making the trip possible. I met so many wonderful people there.

There was a lot of positive things that happened there. A lot of it was personal though and is not something that I'm ready to share in a forum this public. It's not so much that anything has changed as that I've received a huge quantity of things to think about. However I would like to share a memory that will be with me for a long time.

Every night, there was a fire circle with drumming and dancing around a fire by the lake. I had a strong connection with these circles and went every night. Thursday, though, it rained rather a lot. After the concert, the fire was lit. Few people were there and it was raining heavily. Despite coverings that were provided, none of the drummers were willing to risk their instruments. Still people showed up, so we made it happen. Water coolers, hand and trashcan lids along with improvised sticks provided percussion. I was certainly willing to dance. A few others joined; one or two at my persuasion, some needed no encouragement. The rain was relatively warm as was the fire. I danced, around the fire, clothes soaked through, water streaming down my body, rejoicing in the experience. We were there because we wanted to create something that was important to us, and so we did. For me and I think many others that night it was a very special circle—a circle we can treasure even more because it was a rare experience shared by a small number.

Last weekend, I spoke at a polyamory seminar organized by some friends in Washington state. It probably wasn't worth going out there for a one-day seminar, but going out to see friends, introduce them to Zoe and attend the seminar definitely made a worthwhile trip. Discussions of group relationships rather than multiple pairwise relationships featured more prominently in the seminar than they tend to in poly discussions in the Boston community. I'm not sure if that was sample size or a different emphasis in what communities are looking for.

The seminar opened with a cute icebreaker game. Everyone got a card describing their relationship constraints and had to find people who had compatible constraints. Then the resulting relationship graphs were drawn on the board. (There was one fully connected sub-graph and one other network; this was a factor both of the cards and of a couple of decisions people made.) What I found most interesting is that everyone (including myself) found the icebreaker very effective and positive. Amusingly though, when I try to describe lessons one might draw from the experience they're fairly negative. I could use that game to illustrate STD risk, or to illustrate how in poly relationships, your life can be influenced significantly by people several steps away from you. However, I don't think anyone there was thinking about it that way, at least not as their primary focus.

The discussion was well worth participating in and was of high quality. Multiple groups there had experience with parenting, dealing with families, communications, and the other sorts of issues that tend to get discussed at poly panels. I found one part of the communication discussion really fascinating. The speaker was talking about not drudging up old examples of behavior when discussing a problem. I completely get why this is important; when your past mistakes become a burden of ever-lasting inadequacy, it destroys the ability to feel that you are a respected and valued partner in a relationship. However I found myself in conflict with the advice because pattern analysis is a critical part of how I approach problem solving. If someone is in a hurry and doesn't get a chance to clean up after themselves, then I'm happy to pitch in and help out. Some day I'll need help too. However if someone is rarely able to find the time to clean up after themselves, then it's worth discussing. Either they need to adjust to what they are doing or I need to change my expectations. I need to think more about how to balance these concerns. I definitely appreciate discussions that give me something to think about.

My friend who organized the event did a great job! She is good at organizing conferences.r

Last week I was in Austin with a bunch of former Fundsxpress people celebrating the resolution of some issues surrounding the sell of FX to First data. It was a wonderful trip: I saw David and

lasofia of course, also with Zane, Charles, Gregg, Cote,

mhat and a few others. For various reasons, Jay, Arley and John Burns were not able to make it. However I've been working with the three of them lately.

Predictably, there was a lot of talk about getting the company back together. Well, at least getting the people back together on some new project. I was quite impressed with how successful all these people have been since FX. No one has been financially successful to the "never work again" scale or anything like that. However, all of us seem to have reached a high degree of excellence within our chosen fields. It's wonderful to see the depth of discussion whether it is a business or technical topic. For a bunch of high school students who didn't understand databases, version control, or object oriented programming, we've come a long way! Secondly, a lot of the people are working as consultants or the like.

As I mentioned, I have recently worked with John, Jay and Arley. It was a great feeling. I'm certainly one of the people who would love to see overlap in what I do and what other members of the former team did. However it's hard. Anything that happens is likely to be incremental at first: one or two of us working on a project. There are a lot of challenges to growing something like that. You need a project big enough to fund a bunch of senior people. You need something that is interesting enough to everyone. Still, it seems an interesting challenge.

To illustrate the sorts of challenges, Jay, Arley and I worked together on one project. There's a strong desire to work together again. However we're having a significant amount of difficulty understanding what it would men to join forces. Ignore finding the financial side for a moment. We're even having trouble figuring out how in a repeatable sense it would be meaningful for us all to be on the same team.

Austin was also great socially. I saw a number of people and had a wonderful time.

I've been quiet in 2008. It was a year of change, internal focus and adjustment. Interestingly, it did not appear to be as much of a year of reflection as I would expect. I was too busy to reflect much.

The changes have been good. I've settled into my family. Being a parent is an amazing joy, far more than I had expected. Margaret continues to be the most wonderful partner anyone could hope for and our life together brings me great happiness. I left MIT and have established my consulting practice. It feels good to be moving on professionally.

I look forward to the opportunities of 2009. I hope to focus more outside myself than I did in 2008; I also hope to be more actively introspective in my personal growth in 2009.

A lot of my outward energy in 2009 will be spent on meeting people and being more social. I continue to have an important goal of finding someone to share my life with besides Margaret. Our relationship is wonderful, but I'm also lonely because there is a lot of time we cannot be together; I'd like to find someone to share that part of myself with. I continue to believe the right way to approach this is to find and meet people, grow closer to them as friends and see if something more develops. Having new friends is always wonderful, and if there is more to be found, that is excellent as well. However over the past year, I have not had as much energy for socializing and meeting people as I'd like. I'm also not sure that the energy I have spent has been as effectively spent as it could be; I'll have to ponder that later. I am going to explicitly work to find and use the energy to be social this year.

In the past couple of weeks, I've picked up a quest for self introspection and improvement. I've been noticing a particularly bad tendency to burst other people's bubbles. Someone will be describing some hope of theirs, and I'll find myself pointing out why it won't work, or some problem. It feels like at least part of the motivation on my part is to make sure they understand what obstacles they are facing and to encourage them to have a realistic starting point for trying to build a plan. However, I don't manage to be constructive, I make them feel bad and I feel bad myself. I want to work on this in 2009. It's been a long-standing tendency, although I've just recently begun to understand it well enough to really want to work on it.

I also want to blog more. I've been very quiet here, on my my professional blog, and on Zoe's blog. I want to improve that. My LJ is important so people can learn about me and share what's going on in my life and in my head. The professional blog is helpful for establishing credibility and continuing to maintain my reputation. Zoe's blog is important for my parents and others who want to follow her life but also for me as I look back years later. Right now, I'm writing this on the train into Boston. I wonder if it will work to dedicate time on the train to writing a post for one of these three blogs instead of relaxing or working on other work. I'm going to give it a shot and see what happens.

We're vacationing in Florida this week. Monday we went to Disney's Magic Kingdom. It was the second time in my life I had been there; the first time was many years ago. Owen and Rachel had a great time; it is always wonderful to see them having fun. I'm glad I went, but mostly because I found an interesting area to ponder. I didn't enjoy it much myself. Of course this is the busiest time of year for Disney and they're having a record season. So, the minimum wait to ride anything hovered around the maximum time I'm willing to wait to amuse myself. In many cases sitting around and doing nothing was more appealing than waiting in line. That's not really saying much; I actually rather enjoy sitting around doing nothing and don't particularly enjoy queues.

However the real problem was my strong, visceral, negative reaction to the messaging of the park and of the media presentations in the rides. There was something very wrong with the meta-levels or multiple levels of reality. I generally enjoy things that play with reality levels; a lot of really neat spiritual, mystic or introspective stuff succeeds in using reality levels as an important part of the experience. However Disney seemed all wrong/twisted. I'm not sure how to explain it; I tried explaining to Margaret but that didn't go so well. I have two concrete examples, both of which are easy to shoot holes in. That's not the point though; I can shoot holes too; what I need help with is finding out what is actually going on underneath. The first was the announcement on the parking tram; if you drop an item you Mr requested to stay on the tram until the next stop and to contact the nearest cast member. Not staff member, not character, but cast member. It's pointing at some meta-level where the show still exists, but where you are outside of it. That's a very specific and intentional emphasis—not so much specific to the specific announcement but to the entire organization that always refers to their staff as cast members. The other specific example is the lack of a role for the audience on rides. When I'm sitting back and passively experiencing something in a seat, I guess I have mechanisms for suspending belief in my own existence in a healthy way. However Disney seems to be asking me to do that all the time—while I'm on a roller coaster, while I'm ordering food, while I'm experiencing the entire show. Put another way, Disney purports to be an immersive experience, and asks me to immerse myself without giving me a role. I don't have this reaction to normal theatre perhaps because it is not trying to ask me to immerse myself; the stage is over there and I'm simply not part of it. There's something going on here at an even more complicated level that I have not teased apart that goes to explaining why I haven't really appreciated much Disney produced media over the years. Perhaps another part of this is that Disney is using tools that I generally associate with mystic experience and there simply is not any mystery or particularly sacred experience to be found. An interesting note is that I don't get the same reaction to Ren Fairs; I enjoy them.

In other news, my fear of roller coasters is growing worse. This is quite frustrating. I'm basically concerned about falling out. I think I'd be completely fine if they had five-point restraints and a roll cage. I understand the physics enough to realize this is completely irrational, but that isn't helping. This is unfortunate because I enjoy roller coasters if I can get over the fear, but that is proving harder to do. Monday it took me about 40 minutes to physically recover from the adrenaline rush. Until I come up with some clever plan I may be limited to turbulent plane rides to get the positive effects of roller coasters without the fear.

While way too tired, I was responding to some mail from someone I'm
trying to get to know. I took the question as roughly how do you get
to know people and answered it as such. That's not at all what was
being asked, and my answer is a bit on the punchy side, but it is
accurate, so I'll share it here. ( Read more... )

A couple weeks ago, I was reading an LJ entry about the importance of being sensitive when seeking support from a mutual friend of both parties in a troubled romantic relationship. The entry then went on to describe how the situation is particularly difficult when the mutual friend is one member of a primary couple and the romantic trouble is between another primary and that primary's secondary. I was surprised at how negatively I viewed parts of the commentary. I was particularly surprised because if I removed the description of primary/secondary dynamics and just read it as a description of why it is particularly difficult when you are drawing on your lover's other lover for support with romance difficulties, I completely agreed with what was said.

I know that I don't like the term secondary, but I didn't realize that I had that strong of a reaction. I'll admit that fully 50% of my problem with the term was a initial misunderstanding about what the poly community means by secondary relationship. However even as I have grown to understand what is meant, I've had a deep-seated negative reaction. I think I'd feel more comfortable being described as someone's fuckbuddy than as someone's secondary. I don't particularly see myself in a relationship based on sex without emotional connection, but if I were, fuckbuddy is at least starkly accurate. I think that if most people from the poly community considered my relationship with Margaret, they would describe me as her secondary. However the term (and that way of thinking about things) doesn't suit either of us. As I began to consider my reaction I noticed the following link in the original entry to a site on being a secondary. That page is wonderful both because it does an excellent job of showing the reasonableness of core concepts behind a secondary relationship and showing why I find the term so problematic. The term secondary relationship emphasizes the limitations rather than the nature of the relationship. This is bad for the secondary because it is too easy to think of yourself as less important and to trap yourself into the belief that you and your needs don't matter. This is bad for any primary partners because it focuses so much on safety through boundaries that it is easy to forget the importance of compromise and love. If you're trying to sell a loving relationship, and you find you need to write a Bill of Rights expressing basic human dignity and respect in terms of your relationship concept, you need to rethink your marketing and message control. Terminology does matter and it influences how people think about things.

This introspection was useful to me for another reason. I can completely understand the appeal of the concept behind secondary relationships even if I don't like the term. A lot of what I do even fits within that concept. However for myself, I cannot reconcile hard boundaries like the idea that if it becomes necessary to choose between the primary and secondary then you choose the primary with my concept of building a loving relationship. Conflict is hard, but I have not found it improved by hard boundaries. I can see commitments like always agreeing to support your family and I can see how such commitments could come very close to being these hard boundaries. There is a key difference though that I'm still working through. Anyway, this was a wonderful introspective experience into what I'm looking for and how I'm going to view my relationships with others.

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Sam Hartman

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Sam Hartman

Entries tagged with introspection

Questioning and Finding Purpose

Bringing that Round to Debian

Dreaming of a Job to Promote Love, Empathy and sexual Freedom

Tools of Love

A Slice of My World

Healing Across the Gulf of Disagreement

Compassion is not Agreement

Close to Home

The Value of Compassion

Understanding in Return

2015

Your Silence will be Used Against you in the Court of Fear

How it Really Went Down

Fighting Fear

Dining with the Walking Dead

Brutal and hard-core

Heterogeneity of Environment

Austin Trip and the Adventure of Life

2012 and beyond

Happiness

Free Spirit 2011

Poly Seminar in Washington

Austin: Getting the Band back Together

2008 and 2009

Magic Kingdom

Getting to Know People

Poly Marketing: Secondary Relationships