hartmans | [spirit] Catholic Mass

I spoke to my parents about being a pagan. I'll probably write more on that, but the short summary is that it was more wonderful than I could have imagined. I think we're opening up to a connection about our spiritual experience. It's so similar in many important ways even though the gods and form of worship are so different.

I wanted to go to Catholic Mass for three reasons. First, to observe it in my continuing quest to understand how spiritual experience is put together. Second, to acknowledge the role of Christianity and the Catholic Church in where I am today. It's not my path, and some of its influences are things I've walked away from, but it's a wonderful path for some and aspects of it are where I come from. I don't think I was ever really Christian, although there were certainly times where I tried to be. Finally, I went to say good bye; to say that while I respect the Catholic path, it is not mine.

Not surprisingly, I'd never looked at the energy of a church the way a pagan might. It was hard to ground in the church. There was a connection, but it was more with air than with earth. Not surprising really.

The Mass had a very powerful message for me. The first reading was Joshua 24. The second reading started at Ephesians 5:22 and the third started at John 6:64. The homily focused on how accepting Christ was difficult and on how Christ requires us to accept the church with its rules and regulations. It pointed out that some things, like opposing abortion were easy, but others were more challenging. It also talked about how it's not the place of Christians to judge. It had explicit exhortation against being a "cafeteria Catholic," taking the parts you agree with and discarding others.

For me, the message was fairly clear. The first reading is a story of how Joshua asked his people to choose their gods. He specifically gave them the choice and without apparent rancor offered them the opportunity to leave. There were severe consequences for staying and not meeting the Lord's expectations (although I don't think we read that far in this Mass) but the choice was freely given. John spoke of how some people considered Christianity, but found it was wrong for them and returned to their former lives. And Paul! There are a lot of passages from Paul I find objectionable, but his exhortations to wives to submit to their husbands are definitely up there.

My mom said that those were some of her favorite readings. It's always very interesting to me when people take away very different things from an experience. I haven't yet talk to her about what she got out of the Mass, but I looked for and found at least one alternate interpretation. Joshua speaks about how God has well-served his people and they reaffirm their faith in a tradition that continues onto this day. Paul speaks about how Christ will manage his church as he cares for his body. John speaks about the challenge of a test of faith and the rewards of meeting such a challenge. Again, I'm not entirely sure what my mom sees in these, but I think it's wonderful to see the different possibilities an experience can have for different people. It was powerful for both of us, but in very different directions.

Mass was not a spiritual experience for me. There was powerful spiritual messaging, but there was none of the wonder, connection or spiritual ecstasy that is present when I work with my goddess. It's just not where I belong. I'm reminded of a experience when I was 3. I asked a priest (Father Michael) some question and he responded "humility, my son." I've never had the kind of humility that Christ asks; I'm not going to, it's just not me. I feel that Christ (at least as my parents worship) asks for unconditional submission; unconditional love and worship. I just don't believe in unconditional relationships. I do believe in ever-lasting relationships. However to me, part of why that works is the dynamic tension; the fluid reconfiguration of limits; and ultimately, the fact that there are challenges and at any given point that things could be broken. The relationship grows and survives in part because there's the risk that it won't; there is the real possibility that limits could be pushed so far that the relationship fails. I believe that is true of relationships with friends, lovers, gods and probably any other kind of important relationship. For me, unconditional submission would be living a lie and would tweak all sorts of internal safety alarms. I respect that works for some people, but it is not me. Boundaries matter to me.

Pagans, generally seem to have relationships with their goddesses and gods that seem to fit my model of how the world works better. For example, when I mentioned I was approaching accepting my goddess's offer of patronage, several people reminded me of the importance of negotiating the relationship and our boundaries. There's certainly a lot I'm willing to offer her, but I do ask for certain forms of respect for my life, commitments and safety in return. I had already figured out this sort of clarity was important.

While it was not a particularly spiritual experience for me, I did feel comfortable participating in a lot of the Mass, offering praise and witnessing the right for others. I cannot recite the Nicene Creed, and obviously I didn't participate in communion. I did have to watch a couple of the things we were praying for; this whole sanctity of marriage between man and woman thing for example. However, I feel more comfortable than the last time I went to Mass. I'd need a clear statement of intent before going again, although that could be quite simple.